(Or what if Paul Simon had to deal with an jobsworth)

I stepped inside the inner door expecting to be seen
Up came a company man who showed me to a screen
It’s dead I said, it’s down the pan
He stared with a silly grin
He said, you gotta use the screen, my man, if I’m to let you in

Name badge, my man. I got myself a name badge
Here you’ve met you match, my man. You’re not walking in my door
Name badge, my man. I got myself a name badge
Here you’ve met you match, my man. You’re not walking in my door

Know all about it. I’m wondering what else we’re gonna do
His brains are scant, he’s arrogant, he’s balding and 5 foot 2
Napoleon stood before me, his complex was complete
Silly grin still on his face, I found I was back out on the street

Name badge, my man. I got myself a name badge
That you don’t have a name badge, so you don’t get through my door
I said ‘name badge?’ I don’t need a name badge
I’m picking up from dispatch, now let me in the store

I mean it’s just
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge

My job is going slowly, with this dick who’s acting holy
He really thinks he owns this place, I’ll never get a name badge
None of us will meet his match, he keeps them in his cache
For you’ll never get a name badge, and if you don’t have a name badge
You’ll never get in his door

No, you won’t get through his door (name badge)
No, you won’t get through his door (name badge)
Say, you won’t get through his door, no (name badge)
Name badge
Name badge
Name badge

(Alternative lyrics by Louise Pull)