(Or what if Paul Simon had to deal with an jobsworth)

I stepped inside the inner door expecting to be seen
Up came a company man who showed me to a screen
It’s dead I said, it’s down the pan
He stared with a silly grin
He said, you gotta use the screen, my man, if I’m to let you in

Smart badge, my man. I got myself a smart badge
Here you’ve met you match, my man. You’re not walking in my door
Smart badge, my man. I got myself a smart badge
Here you’ve met you match, my man. You’re not walking in my door

Know all about it. I’m wondering what else we’re gonna do
His brains are scant, he’s arrogant, he’s balding and 5 foot 2
Napoleon stood before me, his complex was complete
Silly grin still on his face, I found I was back out on the street


Smart badge, my man. I got myself a smart badge
That you don’t have a smart badge, so you don’t get through my door
I said ‘smart badge?’ I don’t need a smart badge
I’m picking up from dispatch, now let me in the store

I mean it’s just
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge

My job is going slowly, with this dick who’s acting holy
He really thinks he owns this place, I’ll never get a smart badge
None of us will meet his match, he keeps them in his cache
For you’ll never get a smart badge, and if you don’t have a smart badge
You’ll never get in his door

No, you won’t get through his door (smart badge)
No, you won’t get through his door (smart badge)
Say, you won’t get through his door, no (smart badge)
Smart badge
Smart badge
Smart badge

(Alternative lyrics by Louise Pull)