(Or what if Paul Simon was writing about a visit to a British doctor)

Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

And thanks to you, Dr Robinson
The drugs are working better than you know
Oh Oh Oh
Do please prescribe, Dr Robinson
The chemist’s got a shelf for those who pay
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey

The doctor wants to know a little bit about your piles
He wants to help you learn to help yourself
If you look there’s plenty waiting down along the aisles
Hang around in Boots until you feel at home

And thanks to you Hydrocortisone
Relief that comes is better than you know
Oh Oh Oh
Yes please some more Hydrocortisone
The chemist’s got a shelf that’s just for me
He He He
He He He

Hide those suppositories where no one ever goes
Put them in the laundry with your nighties
It’s a secret that your friends on Facebook never get to know
You’re a meme unless you keep it from the kids

We love you too, local pharmacy
Stocked with all the things ready to go
Whoa Whoa Whoa
Won’t you please, local pharmacy
Stay open as a place for us all day
Hey Hey Hey
Hey Hey Hey

Sitting on a doughnut on a Sunday afternoon
Wriggling around just to get comfy
Try to bath it, try and ice it, up to you to choose
Every time you try to strain, you lose

So glad I have Paracetamol
In times of pain I always turn to you
Ooh ooh ooh
What’s that you say, Dr Robinson
Finally the pain will go away
Hey Hey Hey
Hey Hey Hey

(alternative lyrics by Louise Pull)