(Or what if Paul Simon was writing about a visit to a British doctor)

Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

And thanks to you, Dr Jenkinson
The drugs are working better than you know
Oh Oh Oh
Do please prescribe, Dr Jenkinson
The chemist holds a shelf for those who pay
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey

The doctor wants to know a little bit about your piles
He wants to help you learn to help yourself
If you look there is a lot along the aisles
Hang around in Boots until you feel at home

And thanks to you Hydrocortisone
Relief that comes is better than you know
Oh Oh Oh
Yes please some more Hydrocortisone
The chemists got a shelf that’s just for me
He He He
He He He

Hide those suppositories where no one ever goes
Put them in the laundry with your nighties
It’s important friends on Facebook never get to know
You’ve be a meme unless you hide it from the kids

We love you too, local pharmacy
Stocked with all the things ready to go
Whoa Whoa Whoa
Won’t you please, local pharmacy
Stay open as a place to go all day
Hey Hey Hey
Hey Hey Hey

Sitting on a doughnut on a Sunday afternoon
Wriggling around just to get comfy
Try to bath it, try to ice it, up to you to choose
Every time you try to strain, you lose

So glad I have Paracetamol
In times of hurt I always turn to you
Ooh ooh ooh
What’s that you say, Dr Jenkinson
Finally the pain will go away
Hey Hey Hey
Hey Hey Hey

(alternative lyrics by Louise Pull)