(Or what if Paul Simon had wanted to keep his lover)

The problem isn’t in your head she said to me
But I see that you are looking rather flaccidly
I’d like to help you to join with me naturally
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover
She said I see that you have really, really tried
Furthermore, I hope that you are feeling vaguely satisfied
But now we’re done and so you really must decide
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover
Fifty ways to keep your lover

You just visit the bank, Hank
Let’s go out to eat, Pete
You stay out of the pub, Bud
Just do the laundry
Go paint the shed, Fred
You do not need to feel dread
Just go cook the tea, Lee
Then come and see me

Ohh, visit the bank, Hank
Let’s go out to eat, Pete
Stay out of the pub, Bud
You just listen to me
Go paint the shed, Fred
You do not need to feel dread
Just go cook the tea, Lee
Then come and see me

It’s hurts me so when you feel you must abstain
I certainly did some things which have made you smile again
I said I appreciate that, and can you please explain
About the fifty ways?
She said I’ll see you when the light is not as bright
And I think that one day, you’ll finally learn to do it right
And then she hugged me and I realised it wouldn’t be tonight
There must be fifty ways to keep your lover
Fifty ways to keep your lover

You just visit the bank, Hank
Let’s go out to eat, Pete
You stay out of the pub, Bud
Just do the laundry
Oh, go paint the shed, Fred
You do not need to feel dread
Just go cook the tea, Lee
Then come and see me

Visit the bank, Hank
Let’s go out to eat, Pete
Stay out of the pub, Bud
You just listen to me
Go paint the shed, Fred
You do not need to feel dread
Just go cook the tea, Lee
Then come and see me



(Alternative lyrics by Louise Pull)